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Reader Question:

Denial is such a common response. How does one get past it?

This is a tricky question because the whole thing about being in denial is that often you don’t recognise that you actually are in denial. And you can’t really take steps to get past something you don’t think applies to you.

So the important thing in getting past denial is to recognise when you actually ARE in denial. There are many ways you can experience being in denial. Here are three:

“It’s not my fault”

It’s never pleasant to think that you played a part in what is wrong. But when you automatically settle into a mindset that blames other people for the minor and major upsets in your life, you’re giving away your own personal power to do something about it. This applies across the sprectrum from wrongs done to you at work right through to emotional traumas such as grief.

Whether it was your fault or not, blaming circumstances or people might make you feel validated and better for a little while but it is a hollow victory. It limits your options and creates a poisonous, blame-filled mindset. It’s poisonous because it takes away your ability to assume responsibility over your own life.

If you are in the first stages of grief, denial is a common response and it is a normal part of the grieving process that gives way to anger as you begin to come to terms with it. Anger can then provide the momentum and motivation to get yourself out of the situation.

The next time you want to blame someone or something, ask yourself “What aspect did I contribute to, was it helpful for me to have done this and now that I have identified it, do I still need to blame someone or can I choose a different response.”

You feel paralysed

Emotional paralysis is something that happens from time to time and especially when our self-esteem and confidence levels are low. It’s that feeling of paralysis that stops you from doing something positive about your situation.

Sometimes it’s temporary and follows a shock or trauma – it fades after a while and you’re back to your normal self.

But when you recognise this a normal pattern of behaviour, it’s often a self-protection mechanism that you have built up around you because you don’t trust yourself to make good decisions.

In this instance you become dependent on having decisions made for you and if these decisions are at odds with what you really want, you just make yourself accept them because you have nothing better to offer yourself. Essentially, you blind yourself to your ability to take control because you believe it doesn’t exist or that you are not allowed to exercise it.

Coaching will help you with this. It helps you reconcile your thinking patterns and your values so that you become stronger and more able to make decisions that resonate powerfully with your true inner self.

You have an excuse for everything

It’s true that there is a reason for everything. Our lives are one long chain of events and one thing leads to another. So when you say “I would have done this but…”, technically, you are correct.

In reality however, you are giving too much power to a chain of events that is now in the past. You want people to understand there was an important reason that what happened, happened. Yet, if your focus remains fixed on getting this validation, you remain stuck in an illusory reality that prevents you from seeing through to the next stage which is “Well, that happened and now I want...”

The next time you feel the urge to make an excuse or justify yourself, stop and ask yourself “What can I do now?”

In what ways have you experienced being in denial?

If you have any questions or comments on this, please feel free to add your comment below.

Next week, I’ll be talking about anxiety.

About Reeta Luthra (DHP, MNLP, EFT-Adv)

Reeta Luthra specialises in the effects of stress on health, emotions and behaviours and provides international telecoaching to help people address the impact of stress on their health. She helps look after your mind so that your mind can look after you. To find out more, visit Reeta Luthra: Stress and Your Health