by reetaluthra
Q&A: Am I Strong Enough to Deal With Loss?
9:08 pm in Ask Reeta by reetaluthra
Reader Question:
I would like to think I would seek some counselling if I lost another close loved one. But how can I know when I’m not strong enough to deal with loss or something tragic in my life.
Asking the question “Am I strong enough” throws our focus into the wrong direction.
Strength is one of those comparitive words that can’t exist unless it has an opposite. In order to know how strong we are, we have to measure it against our own definition of weak. When we start worrying about our strength, we open the door to self-doubt and fear creeping in.
Learn to Think Strategically
What you really want to ask yourself is “What do I have or what do I need to get me through this?”
It’s going to need a bit of practice before the power of this question works its way into your natural way of thinking.
Start thinking about everything you do as a strategy.
- What is my strategy for deciding I want a cup of tea?
- What goes through my mind that makes me decide to be angry at someone?
- What am I doing to deal with the grief I am feeling because of this loss?
Thinking in terms of strategy helps you to realise that everything you do is NOT a result of some personal weakness or strength. It’s the result of a strategy you have somehow picked up in order to deal with various situations. You’ll have plenty of great strategies and some poor ones too (we all do).
To know if you are strong enough to deal with a loss or something tragic, you ask yourself three questions:
- How am I feeling?
- How do I want to feel?
- Is what I am doing helping me?
This takes the guesswork and guilt out of the equation. If it turns out that what you are doing is not helping you, then you know it’s because you need a better strategy that someone can teach you.
Grief and Loss
Grief is NOT a straight-line process. It has bends and curves that you need to navigate. You’ll have good days and bad days. This is normal.
You may not need to talk to anyone at all – however, some signs that you would benefit from therapy or coaching are:
- The conversations and arguments in your mind don’t fade or find a resolution
- You are grieving about more than one thing (e.g. you’ve lost a loved one and discovered an affair that’s just come to light)
- You are engaging in compulsive or distracting behaviours such as alcohol or drug abuse
- You are having suicidal thoughts
- You have no suitable friends or family to talk to
- The pain passes, you get on with your life – but the emptiness doesn’t go away or you still have unanswered questions that take up your thoughts
If you have any questions or comments on this, please feel free to add your comment below.
Next week, I’ll be talking about denial.
About Reeta Luthra (DHP, MNLP, EFT-Adv)
Reeta Luthra specialises in the effects of stress on health, emotions and behaviours and provides international telecoaching to help people address the impact of stress on their health. She helps look after your mind so that your mind can look after you. To find out more, visit Reeta Luthra: Stress and Your Health
I’m going to start incorporating that strategy thinking into things. I sometimes find myself doing or saying stupid things — like picking a senseless fight with my boyfriend — and after the fact I ask myself, “What in the world was that about?” I think asking before acting would really help.