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Reader Question:

I had a difficult time dealing with my father’s death on my own and would ask about tools that could help me avoid some of the pitfalls I experienced. Pitfalls such as drinking too much, seeking comfort from men who can’t provide anything I need, unexplained anger and frustration, etc.

Grief is a normal and natural process that allows you to deal with a loss. As well as death, loss includes things like betrayals, relationship breakdowns, abuse & trauma.

Grieving takes place in the mind through your thoughts.

There’s an enormous amount of stress involved in grief and because of this, people can try to avoid the pain by burying the stressful thoughts and feelings. One way is to transpose this stress energy into things that will block out the pain – things like alcohol, unsuitable partners and impulsive behaviours.

Unfortunately, burying something that your mind has a desperate need to resolve means that all you’re doing is delaying the closure you need to get. Your own body tells you that there is some reconciling to be done because you feel numb or angry all the time. You might start obsessing and over-reacting to things that previously didn’t bother you.

Seven Stages of Grief

When you’ve experienced a loss or trauma, remember:

• No matter how intensely bad you feel, these feelings DO diminish as you work through the various stages of grief.
• Grief will bring up emotions you didn’t know you had. That’s part of its job.
• You will learn a lot about yourself and become stronger by seeing the grieving process through. Guaranteed.

The stages in grief are not equal in length, you can pass quickly through one and slowly through another. It’s even possible to experience a stage, get to the next one and then go back to a previous one. These stages of grief are a generalised indication of what most people experience:

1. Shock and Denial
2. Pain and Guilt
3. Anger, Bargaining and Pleading
4. Loneliness, Isolation and Depression
5. Turning Point – the pain reduces and life begins to become slightly calmer
6. Reconstruction – you start to work things through
7. Acceptance or Adjustment – you start looking to the future. Despite what has happened, you have hope and want to flourish.

Grief doesn’t necessarily stop on a certain date after a certain period of time. Grief is a process that enables you to adjust to what has happened and find a way forward that supports your health and well-being.

Working Through Grief

1) Make the decision to work through Grief

You have to consciously decide to face your sorrow head on. This decision helps you to focus on getting through it in a healthy way.

With the way the world is developing, we don’t really have “periods of mourning” anymore. You may only get a week off work for example, and as we all know, that’s not really sufficient. Deciding to deal with your grief (rather than accept distractions from it) helps you to be kind to yourself and also to let those around you know that you are working through something difficult.

It is a vulnerable time for you – if you have major decisions to make,  consider delaying them until you have stabilised more. Ideally, this means don’t end any important relationships or commit to things you can’t handle.

Having said that, if you do have the odd drink or even the odd “one-night stand” (protected of course), keep it occassional and see it for what it is – a pressure-valve release from your situation.

If you still feel like avoiding grief and giving into the alcohol etc, ask yourself what you are trying to avoid. It might be necessary to get some professional help if you find yourself tip-toeing around the edge or stuck in avoidance.

2) Own your emotions

You will experience a lot of conflicting emotions and some of these won’t make sense.There could be anger, blame, nostalgia, resentment, hate, “what-ifs”, sorrow, hopelessness and a multitude of others.

You will also have a lot of questions or imaginary conversations going on in your mind. These are the bitter centre of your grief and it’s these you are avoiding when you make the choice to avoid grieving. They can be very painful but they also contain the exit door from your grief.

From all the work I have done with my clients, trapped grief is the one that comes up again and again and again. This is how I know that it’s important to address your grief and allow it to find a healthy release.

People have an enormous capacity to block out pain and hurt. In a way, this capacity allows us to function under duress. However, this capacity is only meant to be a short-term measure. When you block and avoid your pain for a long time, it generates stress inside the body. Long-term stress affects the immune system and can create hormonal changes that lead to behavioural or physical problems.

As you work through what is going on in your mind, you obtain insights that ultimately guide you to the peace you need to find. They help you take ownership so you don’t remain stuck in blaming other people.

3) Get help

A loss has the potential to change us forever. But the part of you that goes missing after a loss has the potential to come back stronger if you allow it to.

Recognise that everyone deals with grief in different ways. You might need to talk a lot whereas your partner may turn inwards and become reflective. If you’re living with someone who does not grieve the same way that you do, or does not understand your grieving method, try not to blame them or get angry at them. As frustrating as it is for you, it’s not their fault.

If you’re not getting the kind of support you need from family, then it’s a good idea to go looking for it because facing all the parts that are hurting will help your long-term health and well-being. Professional coaching or therapy might be what you need. A priest, support groups and good friends are other options.

4) Learn EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques)

Imagine if you did not know how to sneeze. All that pressure would build up in your head and because you don’t know how to sneeze, you can’t get it out. You’d go nuts.

EFT is a meridian-based tapping technique that allows you to release pent up emotions from your body and gather new insights. It’s totally natural, requires no equipment and you can do it yourself. It will help you immensely through all the stages of the grieving process because it hones in on the disruption in your emotions, helping to stabilise them so you can think.

The EFT Tapping World Summit just started on Sunday 21st Feb 2010. It’s a free online event and I can’t recommend it highly enough if you are new to EFT. Learn EFT now so that when you need to use it, you can.

Summary

The original question asked for tools to help with the grieving process:

• Understand that grief is a learning opportunity and a way for you to get closure. It feels horrible to go through but is essential for your long-term health and well-being.
• Be prepared for a roller-coaster of emotions. Learn EFT to help you through it. The free online EFT Tapping World Summit is a good place to start learning more about it.
• Dealing with your emotions, thoughts and questions now means you won’t have to deal with them in a few years time by which time they might have got worse.
• Try not to make important decisions while you are feeling vulnerable.
• Recognise that others may not grieve in the same way as you.
• Ask for help if you feel you are not coping or if you don’t have the support you need.

If you have any questions or comments on this, please feel free to add your comment below.

Next week, I’ll be talking about recognising your strength in dealing with a loss or tragedy.

About Reeta Luthra (DHP, MNLP, EFT-Adv)

Reeta provides international telecoaching to help people address the impact of stress on their health and emotions. She helps look after your mind so that your mind can look after you. To find out more, visit Reeta Luthra: Stress and Your Health